By Jonathan van Bilsen
Now they have a new leader in the south, I wanted to address the ultimatum being discussed in Ottawa, regarding how to handle the unity between our two nations. There is still a great deal of confidentiality surrounding the proposed solution but below is a breakdown of what will happen.
Ottawa is proposing the United States join Canada as a province, causing the world to witness an extraordinary cultural experiment. From hockey obsessions to Tim Hortons, Americans would have much to learn about adapting to the Canadian way of life.
First, let us address language. Americans would need to embrace the art of adding ‘eh’ to the end of sentences. This small but mighty word carries weight, transforming statements into gentle inquiries and fostering politeness. Imagine a New Yorker saying, “Great game, eh?” instead of the usual blunt remark. The shift might just soften the edge.
Politeness would become a national pastime. Canadians apologize for everything, even when stepping on a crack in the sidewalk. Americans would need to adopt this habit, ensuring they say, “Sorry,” at least ten times a day. Even the most stoic Texans would find themselves apologizing to cattle for stepping on grass.
Hockey would replace all other sports. Baseball fields would become skating rinks, and Super Bowl Sunday would morph into Hockey Night in America. The Stanley Cup would be renamed the ‘Maple Leaf Bowl’, and diehard football fans would find themselves debating the finer points of icing calls.
The culinary shift would be monumental. Americans would trade barbecue and burgers for poutine and butter tarts. Grocery stores would feature entire aisles dedicated to maple syrup, and deep-fried cheese curds would become a delicacy at every state fair. Tim Hortons would dot every corner, and Dunkin’ Donuts would quietly disappear into history.
The metric system would cause widespread confusion. Fahrenheit thermometers would gather dust, and miles would be swapped for kilometres. Americans would learn 100 km/h is not the speed of sound but the highway limit, and outdoor temperatures in the high 30s means it is time for sunscreen, not sweaters.
Political discourse would undergo a polite revolution. Parliament-style debates, complete with witty banter and the occasional “Order!” would replace American shouting matches. Leaders would wear maple leaf lapel pins, and the national anthem would get a verse about moose and beavers.
Finally, winter would become a unifying force. Americans would need to embrace the power of toques, snowshoes and shovels. Snowstorm preparedness would involve hot chocolate stockpiles and sledding strategies. Southern states might struggle, but snowmen in Florida would become an instant tourist attraction.
The union of these two nations would be a comedic masterpiece. A little politeness, a love of poutine, and a dedication to hockey could make the dream of a ‘United Canmerica’ truly entertaining.
Jonathan van Bilsen is a television host, award winning photographer, published author, columnist and keynote speaker. Watch his show, ‘The Jonathan van Bilsen Show’, on RogersTV, the Standard Website and YouTube and follow his adventures at photosNtravel.com
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